'I' End
February 23, 2012 
How do I even begin to transcribe..to describe..to explain? The experience..the journey..the learning and growing..the life-changing process?
It was a logical next step. I've been practicing this ancient art and craft for over a decade now. My body..my mind..my soul - all know this. It's how I greet each and every new day. It's become - for me - as everyday routine as brusing my teeth. I roll out my mat. I ground my feet. I spread my toes. I drop my head ..and the contents within. I breathe. I let go of the thinking mind..and come into my feeling body. Every single day.
Practicing is one thing. Leading - is a whole other. I couldn't possibly imagine that 'me' who fears being seen..being heard..being found - doing this. 'Me' - standing up in front of others and speaking out loud.
Feel that fear and do it anyway.
Feel that energy and release.
Having spent years cultivating the skill of the silent observer - I listened from the sidelines as the wheels of my mind screamed out at me:
'It's not who I am. It's not who I'll ever be. I can't...I can't...I can't.'
And then an almost inaudible:
'But maybe..just maybe - I can??'
It's not like learning to teach math or science or even a subject as abstract as art. There's no specific curriculum. There are no tests or papers to grade. There are no goals or benchmarks of achievement. The teaching is life practice. The subject is the student. To teach - is to be nothing other than a vessel that carries and delivers the ancient teachings. To teach - is to teach a student to trust and believe and listen to themselves..to learn their own minds thru their bodies..to become their own best teachers and friends.
There are one thousand shades of grey. Nothing is wrong. All is right. Everything each and every student needs...he/she already has within. There's no beginning. There's no end. Every moment is a new one..and one that will never happen ever again. There is only this. There is only now. The teacher meets the student where he or she is..and wherever that is - is just as it is. Here - and in this present. The daily lesson plan is life. It is about sitting quietly with oneself..observing and connecting. It's about the breath..and how something as simple and basic as that - can transform.
How dare 'I' even begin to believe to presume that 'I' might have within 'me' to lead 'you' into those deeper...darker....more private and personal places within? How might 'I' trust and believe in myself - just enough..and not anything more than that - to guide?
Trust the process. Trust myself. Believe.
Now - half way thru the training - I can say that fear still rules every fiber of my body...that I'm still filled with endless questions and riddled with self-doubt. But - when I stand up - I stand tall. When I speak out loud - I speak clearly..and with just a little more confidence and authority than when I first began. I know this practice. My body does. What I need..I already have. Within. Slowly - I'm letting go and making space for what I know so well...to find its way out.
And - much more importantly - I'm learning the most important lesson of all. That teaching isn't ever about the teacher. The 'I' in the teacher is rendered invisible... a flat reflective screen...a silent backdrop to the student . To the 'you' in you.
Here it is. Where 'I' end.
Now it is. Where 'You' begin.
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Cross-posted over at Vision and Verb - where a collaborative group of like-minded women from all over the world share their passion for photography and the written word.
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Reader Comments (53)
I just read a quote from Stephen King that said, "The scariest part is when you begin". You'll be wonderful at your new adventure, Marcie! : )
these words and feelings jumped off the screen and touched my heart ..and oh the image always so special !!
Marcie, I agree with Katie.
You will be most wonderful at whatever you choose to do.
I have to guess here...
A yoga class?
Somehow, it just sounds like that to me.
Have a wonderful weekend my Friend!
I don't thing this means you are going to stop blogging, writing, or taking pictures. I hope not. the photo is very alluring.
Yes, this is a most special and naturall path for you and each and every person will know how blessed and lucky they are to stand tall along side you ~ you go, girlfriend!
Une image de fuite dans le flou...très convaincante et très esthétique.
J'aime beaucoup!
Marcie.... I miss yoga, and I know my body and mind need me to return to it. Listening to you (which is what this felt like - not reading words, but hearing your thoughts) makes me remember how good I feel when I do roll out the mat, keep it in perspective, and let it go. You will be an awesome teacher. Namaste.
I wish you the best of luck with your new challenge! I would attend one of your classes anytime if I lived in your area.
Read the post on V&V too, have to let it sink in
Very clever use of limited DoF and an unexpected focal point.
Just beautiful , Marcie. You are ON YOUR WAY!!!
This process you're going through totally awes me, Marcie. The thing is, you BELIEVE in your subject matter. As you stand up to lead, it will be perfectly clear to all your students that you know exactly what you're talking about and...that you live the life you lead! There is no better teacher than that!
Years ago a dear friend told me, as I fearfully started out on a seminar trail that lasted several years: "Your aduience will inspire you and give you the energy you need." The AHA look you see on their faces will free you totally of yourself. At that point you will become the reservoir of experience and information they will soak up like sponges.
I also have never forgotten what I heard Billy Graham say when he was asked if preaching to thousands of people ever scared him. He said that EVERY TIME he got up to preach, even after all those years, he had wobbly knees. You'll be in good company, me thinks. :) YOU GO, GIRL!
I'm dying to know what you will be teaching!!! Good for you to go forward despite the fear. I'm "teaching" a one hour workshop on macro flower photography in April for my camera club. I'm a bit nervous, too.
Such a lovely image and a beautifully written post.
the memory of a swan
As a teacher of 35 years, I find your words interesting. I do find you image a little to lack of focus for me. Just too much mystery.
Beautifully put. As we know, there are Teachers – and then there are teachers. No doubt that you will be the T
Marcie thanks for sharing all your lovely photography and writings, I love them. This one is really lovely, touching and leaves me feeling good. You have such a way with words, so beautiful. Have a great week-end and all the best to you! xx
You wrote it down. All of it. Beautiful I have heard pieces of it as you have been going through the teaching . you are well into your journey..you are sharing about you and your practice. I admire your passion
Wow. So beautifully stated. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I would love to be one of your students when you are ready...
This resonates strongly with me!! I have those same fears and conversations inside. Seeing myself as the teacher, the leader, sometimes feels impossible. And... underneath, I know those conversations aren't real. I just know you will be wonderful.
Nice look to this one.
Marcie....... that photograph....... silence....... breath-taking.....
Marcie, what a beautifully written and sensitive post and photo.
sincerely, lori
Trust the process... I've been saying this to myself a lot lately, but having a hard time really feeling it. I'm glad to hear that you're embodying all of it.
I am so excited for you, and your students, as you step into a new evolution of your process.
Oh, this is wonderful, Marcie! I can picture you there, teaching, sharing your 'you' to the others. You can do it, I can feel!
Years ago I was on the same 'path' as well. I had no fear, because I just wanted to give, give, give all the Love I felt inside while living 'yoga life'. Well, wheels turned into another direction, so I was not able to do the studies to become yoga instructor, but that's ok. I just chose to show my 'yoga life' to the others a different way.
I'm really happy for you! Keep on walking!
I love these posts that take me deep into your heart and mind. I would be honored to sit on my mat in front of you as you lead me and many others into my heart and body :) I was at my favorite yoga class last night and the teacher talked about how her first yoga teacher reminded her that no matter who is teaching you, you can always have a good practice if you take yourself there, if you are a good and willing student you can go where you need to go. I'm a very reluctant yet determined yogi, I've taken classes for over 30 years, though you would never know it watching me, it's not my thing, yet I keep coming back and know that everything in my life is better when I practice. No teacher has ever put it into the perspective she gave me last night and it has change my whole view of going to any class. And it has given me a deep sense of relief in knowing that the creativity classes I teach hold a space for any willing student to go where they need to go. That is my intention and after hearing this perspective, I will perhaps release a bit of my inner critic after each class I take or teach!? I'm rambling... so excited to hear more about your journey.
The way you write about your process, The way you approach your art tells me you are a wonderful teacher
i loved the photo. i don't even know why. i loved it the minute i saw it. a good cover for a detective story.
then, the post. the mystery of you revealed to us. a little bit. we need to squint, but we imagine along with you.
beautiful, marcie. namaste
Marcie, you reach me and teach me every day with your writings and photography, but expressing what I feel and telling me what I know in words that nurture me. Now you have added another way to share. Lucky students, I say!
How beautiful for you to share your process of growth and discovery. You are traversing the path of the heart and I can only imagine you as developing into an amazing giving, thoughtful, heartfelt teacher of this wonderful practice. You've already got it all inside, Marcie!
As you said, you are half way there. You'll finish the road and become the teacher. Don't lose the 'I' altogether. The 'I' is and has to remain the core. a teacher without a core, a centre, is of no use to anyone. Keep the 'I' but don't let it intrude.
Beautiful writing Marcie. I like "The 'I' in the teacher is rendered invisible... a flat reflective screen...a silent backdrop to the student"
It's beautiful. I love your words. Yes, that's what important steps feel like, I think. They fill you with fear but you STILL know it's right and they make you stand taller... You made me shiver! Beautiful!
Very insightful passage today. Thanks for putting it out there! ♥
Love the background....just enough to make me think....
Love! Love! Love!
Ah...I picked a good master. ;)
Delightful writing and photo. I know you will be a good Teacher, your humility will enhance whatever you do.
Marcie, dear Marcie, I bow deeply to the You who Writes This and to the Me who Listens. We are the same...teacher and student, illuminated and enlivened by the grace of Awareness which encompasses us. Loving your words, your photography, the Union of both.
Outstanding photo Marcie to capture the essence of the reflection you share. It is when we start to ponder about this big "I" that we think we are in the numerous roles it takes on, that we begin to get to know a part of ourselves and a part of other people that we see merge as one and the same. It is where difference and distance takes on a whole new meaning and we see ourselves in the other.
Being able to teach and teach well is a gift. So wonderful that you are giving yourself up to the chance of it.
Believe us, your followers...in your new adventure you will achieve exactly what you have in your daily practice! You go girl!
nice capture here.. it looks like someone's taking a dip? :)
I have had several different yoga teachers. Each one was very different and each one offered me something unique. Your own individuality is what you give to your students.
Isn't that great that you found out something about yourself that you are able to do. Does that not give you a big grin on your face. Does that not give you a lot of confidence??? I know it scares the heck out of you. But YOU GO, GIRL... do it, believe in yourself. 'We' strong women can almost do anything, as long as we believe in our self.
I am so happy for you. It is like you start a new chapter of your book of life and I see there are still so many chapters to write!!!!
Have a great day.
First i thought I saw a person in that blurry shape... I love when images like these put me of at first...
Best of luck in your new adventure!
Mmmmmm. Hand on heart sigh. This feels like such a perfect and natural progression.
I am so captivated by this photo.
From the words you use in your writing and the images you capture with your camera, I think you would be an excellent teacher of Yoga (which is what I'm assuming you're talking about) or of any topic you decided to teach.
I've been with four different yoga instructors and they almost all made me hate yoga. Each movement seemed to be a race to the next. I was always 3 beats behind. I was afraid to go to a class led by a man, thinking it would be even more competitive and difficult but he has turned out to be the teacher who has made me enjoy the classes. He doesn't rush. I seem to be the one in classes that is in the most pain from injuries and age but he doesn't make me feel inadequate. After all, dealing with that pain was why I wanted to take yoga in the first place. I am learning to follow my own wisdom in what I can and cannot do, which I think is really the point.
Next, a photography instructor?
gorgeous ! interesting how clearly I see behind this branch ;)