Truth Is
July 26, 2012 
As the end of this month nears...I find myself looking back in an attempt to enumerate..to evaluate...to attach to it a letter grade. It's been very long..it's been much too short. Time has passed forever slowly..and - yet - it's flown right by. It's been too hot..too cold..too grey and rainy. It's been too overcast..or too glaringly bright.
Truth is - I don't know.
At the start of it - I set an intention. I failed. Or - I succeeded. Or - I'm not sure which. I promised myself the gift of 30-days away from the rituals and routines and obligations of my every day. I promised myself space..and quiet..and time to explore and simply 'be'. It was a gentle offering to myself. A pause between the poses....a time to rest and restore and renew...to re-generate and re-create. A much-needed break from my daily practice.
It began overfilled with possibility. Imagine - what I might do with this new found time and space? Imagine all that I might accomplish? Imagine all that I might create?
Soon thereafter - I descended into a spinning..spiralling...free fall. As if I'd jumped prematurely and then rather unexpectedly found myself without any brakes. Somewhere in the middle of that flight - I let myself go. Exhilarating - yes. Terrifying - you bet.
It had been so long that I've been doing what I do..that I'd forgotten what it was like to not. And - I wasn't sure I liked it. One small voice was reminding me of my intention. It was reminding me that I don't quit. Whatever I start... I finish. No matter how miserable or grueling. It's what I do. I get through. And then another was telling me that it's okay to give-up and give-in. That I'm now a grown woman. I can reverse directions. I can change my mind. I can do whatever it is I want and need. I can.
I'm sure there may have been unseen benefits to staying with it. But by the end of the first 10 days - I thought I'd found what I'd been looking for. It became so obvious...so clear. Why hadn't I seen it before?
I do what I do because it's a part of me. Like eating and breathing and sleeping. I do what I do because it fills and grounds me. I do what I do because - I've inadvertently and unexpectedly fallen in love with the process. Not for the outcome's sake...but for what it offers. Every day.
So - here I am. Wondering....looking for answers to my questions.
When balancing precariously..only one foot on the floor - am I resting the leg that's lifted..or strenghtening the one that's rooted beneath? Is what we see only a function of the way we choose to see it? Is the cup half full...or is it forever and always - half empty? Was this month's changed mind and direction - a failure or a success?
Truth is - there's no one else who's going to answer these questions.
Truth is - I'm the only one who knows.
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Cross-posted over at Vision and Verb where a group of like-minded women from all over the world share their passion for photography and the written word.
Reader Comments (39)
this is thoroughly beautiful.....deeply comforting.
And I love what you discovered!
-Jennifer
it's seems you've been enlightened, to yourself? that's beautiful. half-way through my reading I wondered if your intention was a success, and if you could start over and do it better, in a way that would please you. and when I finished I realized that it was all just perfect. happy week to you Marcie.
The thing is, Marcie...you never stop your daily practice, even when you stop. It reminds me of the little boy who kept standing up on the pew next to his mom in church. After repeated attempts at making him sit down, he finally looked up and said to her, "I may be sitting down on the outside but I'm standing up on the inside!"
Your daily practice is so ingrained in you, I don't think you'll ever miss the Truth! Or a good, satisfying image!
tricky one, as you say, you are the only one that can answer it. I love your peaceful shot though.
Lots of questions and a delightful image!
I'm glad it's a part of you, that it's what you do!
cool mood
So how is it that you can read my mind? I cut my teaching load this summer by 75%...teaching only one class and that was 50% online..which meant I only taught on campus one day a week...a first in nine years for me to take the summer 'off'. I was exhilarated at the prospect...and I have explored many areas during this time of 'me' that I set out to explore..and yet...I miss what I was meant to do...teach. My students energize me, keep me young, and certainly keep me on my toes. But I need to savor the freedom I granted myself over the summer...for the Fall will bring with it a heavy course schedule. I so get what you have written here....and only we know if we have succeeded...never failure..for growth of any kind is a success.
Beautifully expressed thoughts. Lovely image.
nice framing, well done Marcie
Was it worth it?
New perspective, maybe?
Confirmation of daily routines?
A renewed energy?
Or, maybe those are the questions that you've been contemplating for the past 30 days : )
Whether failure or success...was it worth it?
It is often not obvious if I should stick with my resolution or bail. Over time, as I experience the results of sticking to it, or the results of bailing, depending on which I chose, I start to understand when to do which. Such is the benefit of age and experience. Yet, there are always unfamiliar situations in which I must choose. In a way, if the situation is not a major life issue, it doesn't matter which I choose. I will learn no matter. And, that is the point.
Marcie . . .
This post is extremely thoughtful, and well expressed. I believe it has many connections to another post from last year, titled "The Heart Leads." I ultimately wrote a long response to that, but it became far too personal to share, even privately, with you. It's almost too personal to read back to myself!. But as Anita wrote "I will learn no matter what." I followed my heart, and let it lead, to the great consternationi of my mind. But my mind has, indeed, learned a great deal from following my heart.
Whether the road I'm on now leads where my mind thinks it will, or thinks it should, I don't know. But I have learned this: Listen to the heart, listen to the love, and follow it. Carefully, the mind has a role to play, and the heart takes some incredible chances (and the mind says "Oh my God, what do you think you're doing??). And the heart is delicate, easily wounded. But the heart also can hear, can read, other hearts and can know far more than the mnd does.
The Heart Leads.
That is true.
i love reading your blog and when it is simultaneously posted here. your images and words evoke not only mountain pose but all the times pausing for reflection matter.
the questions of "time" and "lessons" seem recurring themes on this site of women who share life's mid-senior years. who cared about it when we thought it was unlimited? for me, your words speak to the limitless qualities within one day...the possibilities left to us all and the joy that remains in not knowing.
you words comfort, inspire, and tickle.
"I've inadvertently and unexpectedly fallen in love with the process." Oh how those words resonate with me! Love your post this morning and the perfect capture (as usual!) to go along with it!
I would imagine, if we were honest about it, we all have our own rituals, routines, practices. There's something comforting about the 'good' ones. But life needs to push the 'pause' button from time to time...so glad you took a little time to 'pause.'
"I do what I do because it's a part of me. Like eating and breathing and sleeping. I do what I do because it fills and grounds me. I do what I do because - I've inadvertently and unexpectedly fallen in love with the process. Not for the outcome's sake...but for what it offers. Every day." I love how you said this.
Not all contributors to these comments are women.
Beautiful post. And yes I so agree with doing for the doing rather than doing for the outcome, that is what happens if you are passionate about something. And I think passion is what you need to achieve something.
You are right, we are the only ones who know the answers for ourselves.
I think the task is to be in love with whatever it is we do, even if it is nothing. As you know I have also taken a break, and I do feel a bit terrified (not at all in love with it). I asked Don yesterday if a person is still a poet if she hasn't written a poem in months. His answer was, "Was van Gogh still a painter when he wasn't painting?" What does my inner peace and joy depend upon? Who am I?
Each day might be a precipice we stand before, ready to fall in.
I was captured first by the beautiful photo. Then I read your words and rolled them around in my mind. Yes, only you know the answer - but I feel the passion for what you do, how you do it. It is part of your life, of who you are. And I hope the glass will always be half full - for all of us.
What a chance you took. Thanks!
It's great that you were able to reach this level of peace and now have such a clear focus on what and why. Sadly, no matter what the truth may be right now, it can change in an instant. But don't be afraid of the change, only be afraid that you recognize it too late and spend any amount of time unhappy.
Well, every day that I come here to this special place I never know what I'll be given to think about ... but I can be sure that it will be interesting and thought provoking and always with beautiful images ~ thanks once again.
'Truth is - I'm the only one who knows'
I can relate to your words, I know what you are going through. As you know, I only post pictures on my blog. Almost no text. I love it, I love to be out there. To be part of the circle of friends that I got to know over the years. To me it is addicting.
You are so talented, you do wonderful things. Creating things on the Internet is part of you. Can you let go. I don't think so. Suppose you were a painter, would you stop painting? Of course not, you take breaks. Nothing wrong with taking a break. You come back refreshed and with new ideas.
Do, what you want to do. It helped me, to not feel guilty.
Blogging should be fun, not a nightmare.
You will find the answer, I know.
A wonderful picture with wonderful words. Sometimes, I think I am the only one with questions about blogging, it helps when I find out, that I don't stand alone in this.
Your photo's marvelous in its simplicity. I've had a similar image tucked in my files for a couple of years, with a title attached: "Two Rocks A Cairn Don't Make". It's easy to mistake the casual, unintentional and natural pilings-up of life for a true marker. Sometimes we need to circle around a time or two to see if something's been added to the pile.
Anything that gives you such insight into yourself can't be considered a failure. And you know what? That glass is half full AND half empty. Half full means there's plenty left, and half empty means there's plenty of room to hold more.
Marcie - I completely understand that internal "Whatever I start... I finish" directive. Even when the commitment no longer serves. I'm glad you realized that being here is where you want to be.
I love watching you develop insight through word and image Marcie--inspiring stuff!
Life is such a paradox :) Thanks for sharing your heart over and over and over again. The comments you evoke are as inspiring as your offering
We truly are only on our own path. Like giving birth. There is just the birth-er. All we can do is support one another and watch from the sides....
Life is for learning.
It is necessary to to step back from the daily routine on occasion, it recharges the batteries and refocuses the mind. Then we can start afresh.
A étudier avec attention, c'est peut-être un fossile?
Rituals are indeed comforting, but it seems a good idea to re-assess where you are every once in awhile, to make sure a ritual doesn't turn into a habit that is done with no feeling. Your daily practice is heaped to full with feelings. Sounds like a ritual that adds meaning to your life, and to the lives of others.
très zen, très beau !
well, just keep at it.. :) like the person who stacked these rocks on top of each other..
I love your tenacity and strength. It's inspiring!
Beautifully put and wonderfully illustrated
Beautiful post Marcie. I've been through a similar July break and came out feeling less aware of what that did for me or what I want to do going forward than you sound like you feel after your break. I also took a week off from work to have some space and time to reflect but discovered that two weeks would be better possibly as I needed one week just to relax away from doing the usual and another week to then perhaps explore possibilities. I do wish I had a job with summers off or sabaticals or something as I think everyone needs months of time to reflect at least every couple years. I'm salivating at the thought...
I did much the same thing for the month of July... yearning for the carefree days of summer as a child. And I enjoyed it as such. Of course, like, you, I had doubts, but I think we do get to give ourselves permission to explore new things, new ways of being in this world. We can learn as much from doing nothing as much as we learn from always doing something.
Sometimes I think we just need to give ourselves time to listen, to the world, to ourselves, to emptiness. So that we can then move forward and make sense of what we've heard.